I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
