I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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