I didn't shave. On purpose
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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