The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
