wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
