dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
