ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
