Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
