I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
