Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize