Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize