He passed out mid-signature
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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