Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
