I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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