Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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