The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
