Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
