Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
