I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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