I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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