my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
