"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
organizing the empties. That sober.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
