I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
