I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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