In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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