I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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