So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
