How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
