I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
