I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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