why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
