Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
