I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
