what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
