Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
