dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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