just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
