i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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