i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
