At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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