guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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