So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
They have beer where we have blood.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
