I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
