dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
