my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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