You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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