exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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