hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
