I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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