I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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