it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize