At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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