I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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