he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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