he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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