Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
