just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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