Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
