I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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