In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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