He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
